While it was short-lived, I was grateful. It's been one month since She's been gone and these rainy, RAINY days have not helped to brighten my spirits, to lift the cloud of heartbreak and loss that lingers in my heart and soul.
Since She's been gone:
- I have filled my days with laundry, homeschooling, bill paying, taxiing my boys to and fro and played a little tennis
- I have cried until I couldn't cry any more
- I have watched many episodes of her favorite TV show The Gilmore Girls
- I have loved and hugged on my family a lot more
- I have told more people that I loved them and how much they mean to me
- I have lost my temper, lost control, but have NOT lost...my faith
- I have tried to keep some semblance of normalcy and routine and yet, she's so often on my mind
- I have looked at pictures of her, of us, and have laughed and cried all in the same breath
- I have felt completely paralyzed by the thought that I can never just pick up the phone and ask her sisterly advice, or listen to her laugh
- I have tried to be happy...I really have...I have tried to cherish each day that I have been given with those loved ones I have still with me
- I have listened to the last few voicemails that she left me, never wanting to forget the sound of her voice calling me "Suzer"
- I have talked with others who have loved and lost so much, and have tried to process all that I, that we have lost. Tried to find a way to move forward.
- I have listened to her/our favorite songs and have cherished any moment in my day that made me think of her and that put a smile on my face from the joy of the happy memory-even if that happiness was short-lived.
- I have wondered when the chasmic void in my heart and the lump in my throat will shrink enough to allow me to breathe a full breath
- I have been grateful for the recent dream I had of her --and how she was laughing and living in it. --So wanted to be able to go back to sleep and re-dream it all again as the memory was all too fleeting.
- I have been thinking of the memories that I want to document, that I want to share with other family members and friends, before they fade...
- I have tried to be more conscious of the everyday hurts everyone is going through. I have tried to be a better person. To be a better me. To be a better Christian. I have fallen short. But I have tried my best, given the circumstances. Today was a gift and tomorrow...well, tomorrow is another day...to give it another try.
Thanks for hanging in there. My next post will be more sunny. Like my sister Linny's spirit. Promise! :)